he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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