it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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