We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
