Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
