gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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