She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
