I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
