I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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