as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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