Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
