my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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