census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
