wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
