My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
