I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
