He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
