I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
