Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
