I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
