i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
