just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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