it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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