I will die if light touches me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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