They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
