my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
