I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
