We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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