No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
