If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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