Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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