she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
