Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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