You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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