it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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