K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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