I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
