i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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