I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
