I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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