I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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