I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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