i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
