There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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