He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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