dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
