Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
They left me at home... I'm a liability
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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