it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You dont lie about slip and slides
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
