I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sobbing to NWA
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
