you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
