don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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