smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She's the barista slut.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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