So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
