My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
